A friend once told me that I was really good at “being alone”. It may have sounded quite strange but when I think about it now, I just realize that it came off as a compliment. To be observed and considered as someone who basked in her aloneness was really quite true of me after all. Yes, I always found spending time on my own as peaceful and reassuring, like warm back rubs and soft bed sheets. When I’m alone, I’m the one who calls the shots—I could go anywhere, anytime, without anyone trying to push their decisions on me. Loneliness isn’t the feeling I would describe it but rather the sense of security that goes with being exactly on my own. It’s also not that I don’t want to be around people—I love being with closest friends and family—it’s just that giving time for my own personal space is a necessity for me because like all relationships, the one we have with ourselves require nurturing too.
Being in my mid-twenties has now solidified my belief that being on my own and getting comfortable around the idea of it, is not at all bad. In fact, I found it so great that it lead me into considering living a life on my own terms as a single woman in the near future. As a romantic, I daydream of love—a subject that most of my writings felt most at home to, and in turn have I desired a domestic life committed to my future husband and children because isn’t that what we’re always taught our lives should be headed? But these days, the odds of actually finding my person, just aren’t in my favour as a guy is either too good or not at all, unavailable or just simply intimidated with a girl who is driven by her ambitions. In other words, when they tell me to go get a boyfriend, I just couldn’t find one decent enough and that, my friends, has been excruciatingly tiresome. Not only that, the pressure society imposes upon women like me to have relationships despite having achieved successes in our own respective fields just annoys me. I mean, it isn’t easy for all of us; sometimes all I could ever just resort to is some petty crush like I did back when I was a school girl.
Relationships cascading around social media seems fleeting and inauthentic too. Isn’t what’s lasting what we’re all yearning for? And if that would ever occur to me in this lifetime, then I’m one of the lucky ones out there. You’d think by now I’m one stone cold fox because of this but many failed attempts at love caused me heartache, rejection and disappointment—feelings I could keep at bay and protect myself from having learned and grown into a woman I am now. When you’ve gone through a series of heartbreaks, your outlook about love and relationships altogether just change over time eventually. There’s this song by indie pop artist Sigrid called Dynamite, and there are lyrics there that could have never been more true as it says, “I’m the same but I’m bolder”. I guess I’m just turning out wiser and braver from every experiences I’ve had.
Though I’m not closing any of my doors on possibilities that come my way, I just found that being the cool badass aunt someday is very promising. You see, the future is standing close by and I’m not getting any younger, this is why I am constantly working on my career goals and personal dreams so they could turn out to be tangibly real in the next years or so. And when I’m single and ultimately not committed to a man, I think I can go on living my best life doing what I am always set out to do—becoming a Psychologist and a writer. Just think about it, I could use up my savings for travel, invest in my dream start-up, give back to my parents and who knows, I could build a shelter for cats or better yet, save the world. The opportunities and freedom before me are endless when I’m the one in control, you know?
Over coffee a few days ago, I remember my father telling me that at this age, I could be capable of having found somebody to marry and raise a child instead of watching Friends reruns all night after work. I nearly choked and snorted coffee out of my nose because I felt then and there that somehow, this modern world isn’t entirely welcoming of the concept where marriage and children are a woman’s least priority. Although that isn’t completely true for all women, marriage and children aren’t exactly a done deal for me now. I am starting to believe that those two things are clearly not my end-goal as a woman. Don’t you think so too? So I just went on and on about how different our generations are and explained how watching Friends again could very well decrease my likelihood of turning into a crazy, stressed out burrito. But the point is, we always have our own choices and true enough our choices we’d like to act upon are relatively different from one another.
I’ve got a long, long way to go and I am still treading, drawing my own path ahead of me. I don’t want to be cynical and sounding all hopeless right now but you know, love could happen to me or not—someday soon, I really won’t know unless it’s right in front of my very eyes— but until I find someone unafraid of my solitude and independence, and as long as I am confidently alright being exactly my own person, even without another one by my side, then I think, yes, I’m good.