Photo via Brooke Carli
Most days I feel alright, but some days like today, I don’t feel quite my best. In fact, I’m starting to lose motivation in my tasks. I keep looking for motivation elsewhere but my lazy bum ass can’t seem to find it. You see, I’m at a point in my life where I’m starting to ask questions yet again; about my job, my career or just simply where life will take me in general.
People who know me well that I live to write. I’ve always imagined it- writing articles for a newspaper or famous magazine, starting my very own novel in my apartment, but that is far from where I really am now. The dream job is elusive to its dreamers. It’s been a year working behind a desk, in an office, for 8 (or more) hours a day facing students, working on statistics and numbers, research and other stuff the administration demands of me. And I can’t really help but have the urge to stomp out of the office, scream my lungs out to the universe and beg for a little chance encounter with writing. I wanted to write if I could most days but I couldn’t. I want to spill out fully but when I do, it seems that my words aren’t really there or that I’m just exhausted from a hard day’s labor. My heart and my head are all too noisy arguing, contradicting, which makes up for really terrible writing, I must say.
So many what-ifs surge upon me and I am brought back to the thoughts buzzing inside my head again. What if I had lived an entirely different life than this? What if I flew to a different city and followed where my pen and paper will take me? Had I been courageous enough, would I be happier and more content? Would I even be mulling over the possibilities so far out of my reach like what I constantly do now? The answer to those questions, I’ll probably never really know.
I thought that by now I had figured things out on my own, settling with what I have and accept that this is just how things are but no, we will always feel this way. The uncertainty will always be here, looming above us all, going on and on.
Maybe the dream is still a faraway thing and I’m left with waiting for now. If this is what God sees appropriate for me then I’ll just bloom and grow right where I’m planted.